I have been using too much coercion.
It’s way too easy, and it’s all around me in the world. It’s harmful to my relationship with my kids, its’ creating anxiety in all of us. And it’s blocking my ability to teach.
I want to get back to relationship first. If you are reading this, you might need a restart too.
My first step is to slow down and listen.
If you don’t listen, you don’t know how to help.
Listening is the action of relationship. When you don’t listen, your kids won’t listen to you. To lead, adults must first hear our kids’ concerns.
There are three easy steps out of coercion and into collaboration.
Use declarative language
Declarative language is communicating what we observe, rather than judgments or commands.
I notice, I feel, I wonder. It invites children to share and hear our thoughts without demands. There is no right answer, and you’ll hear replies you never expected. And it gives them a chance to problem solve instead of us commanding. “I notice your shoes are on the floor” is declarative vs “Put your shoes away” is a command.
Read More Declarative Language on Next Comes L blog
Listen to their response and clarify through questions or statements
For bonus, use declarative language, “I wonder what you meant…” You need more than one exchange to understand your child’s needs. You’ll have to work for information, sometimes for days, weeks, or months for big things, but at least a few minutes.
Work together
This often happens naturally through listening. Many of us have experienced solving a problem while talking through a problem with a good listener. But you may need to guide and lead with ideas. “I wonder what would happen if we tried turning the paper this way.”
I see slowing down as the most important step to ending coercion and starting to listen and collaborate with our kids. I’m going to restart, let me know in the comments or a reply email if you are going to as well.