Relationship Parenting Week Four Day Two

Upset is overwhelm

Week Four Day Two

Upset is overwhelm

Mainstream parenting has a lot of weird ideas about upset children. Bad behavior, manipulation, shouldn't be happening. Parents get the idea they need to shut down emotions or end them either through punishment or giving in. This comes from our discomfort with emotions. Because we were shut down. Repeating cycles of repression.

Upset is overwhelm of emotion

Consider the last time you cried or raged. Oops! Adults have meltdowns too. What was going on? Emotion overwhelmed you.

Relax about upset. Upset is okay.

But don’t take it too far. A lot of pro boundary people use empathy as a coercive tactic. Emotions are okay so if my boundary upsets my child, I just have to give them empathy and they need to change to avoid upset.

There is a balance here. If boundaries cause upset, there is an unmet need. Being flexible and creative to meet needs is important. Listening to the thought behind the emotion is important.

But the ultimate message is: upset is overwhelm of emotion. Respond with empathy. Including for yourself.

Do you see upset as something you need to stop? Do you equate upset with bad behavior? Can you see it as communication and overwhelm?

Daily Check In

Stop. Take a few moments to notice your breath. Does it become slower or deeper when you give attention?

Next, scan your body. Eyes, mouth, neck, chest, abdomen, back, hands, shoulders, legs. Are there any tight spots? Swirling? Loose? Itchy, sweaty, dry sore? Any other feelings?

Does your body need anything? A drink? Food? To relieve yourself? To stretch? To be touched or have space from being touched? To breathe?

Don’t judge. Just notice.

Next, check your thoughts.

Without judgment, what have you been thinking recently and in the past 24 hours? Write them down if you wish.

If you have time and space, sit and breath. You can follow a meditation or sit with your breath — when your mind waters notice, then return to your focus. Repeat for as long as you wish. If you have people around you and they interrupt, that’s okay. Answer, handle their needs, then return to your focus. Meditation is not about no thoughts, it’s about returning your focus.

If your body has needs, attend to them as soon as you can. Get a drink, use the toilet, put on some lotion, or touch your toes. If you need touch or massage, give yourself that. If you need space from being touched, find ways to connect with your kids in non-touch ways. Sensory play is often helpful.

You can leave your thoughts and needs in the comments.